So You Want To Be A Waiter

The best book on waiting tables that you have never read – yet

Note to my German couple from last night

You live in Innsbruck Austria and have a place across the border in Italy as well? You’re travelling on business and pleasure here in the States, spending 2 weeks going to Mississippi, Louisiana (where you lived for 7 years presumably doing business), Texas and Tennessee? You enjoyed the fact that I spoke with you fairly fluently in German throughout the meal and you said that it was refreshing to have someone converse with you in your own language while in the US? You both ate lobster, first had a couple of martinis and a nice appetizer and drank a bottle of Cakebread Sauvignon Blanc?

So why did you leave me $25 on $260? It surely wasn’t ignorance of the customs here in the US since you lived here for 7 years and you always dine in one of my restaurants whenever you find one in a city that you find yourself in. Yes, I’ll remember you when you come back in a year or two. And you won’t get any more German and you’ll get your food correctly, quickly and with little fuss. I won’t give you two and a half hours of dining unless you want to sit for 45 minutes at the end of the meal (which won’t bother me in the least since I’ll do my sidework or serve other guests) or ask you whether you want espresso at the end of the meal. You’ll get your courses bang, bang, bang, with no time to breathe in-between courses. I won’t take into consideration that you are European and enjoy stretching out your meal. If you want to enjoy your conversation, you’re going to have to sit at the end, because I’m not going to pace your meal with an eye to your European background and tendency to treat dining as more than just eating. I’ll not serve your wine so that it lasts during the whole meal. Basically, I’ll pour you a full 6 oz portion each and when you’re finished with those glasses, I’ll pour you the last two glasses, instead of pouring initially 3 oz and keeping your glasses at the perfect temperature by continually and very quietly keeping them at 3 to 4 oz. and I certainly won’t shake your hand at the end of the meal.

If you had at least left me 15% on the pretax total, I might have excused you. But you didn’t even have the courtesy to do that.

I only wish I hadn’t given you my business card.

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4 responses to “Note to my German couple from last night

  1. waiterextraordinaire July 22, 2009 at 10:24 am

    Beautiful!! Now that is what I want to read more of. Just give me some waiter sarcasm and hostility from your shift every now and then. I know and everyone else I am sure can relate to arsholes like that. Well written Teleburst. Loved it!

  2. SkippyMom July 22, 2009 at 11:11 am

    Gah. I knew that was coming but I didn’t think it was going to be that bad. Wow.

    Sorry. Go back to Europe folks. And stay.

  3. teleburst July 22, 2009 at 12:00 pm

    Thanks Steve.

    SkippyMom, did you try the battered fish recipe?

  4. banquet manager July 23, 2009 at 4:45 am

    I thought that in this business we had to take the good with the bad, right?
    So You Want To Be a Banquet Manager

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