So You Want To Be A Waiter

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Daily Archives: November 1, 2009

Top 100 things that a guest should try to avoid doing, #51 – 75

51. Don’t take my pen. Even by accident.

52. If you present a coupon, don’t tip me on the discounted amount. The coupon is a discount on food, not service.

53. Don’t take out your frustrations on me if I have to follow a house policy. Especially when it comes to tip time.

54.  Don’t forget to ask for me next time if you enjoyed my service. The more times I wait on you, the better I get to know your wants and needs.

55. Don’t get mad if the chef can’t completely rewrite a recipe for you.  Sometimes it’s impossible. for instance, you can’t just “take the garlic out” of marinara. And no, she can’t “whip up a quick tomato sauce without garlic” for you in the middle of the Saturday night rush.

56. Don’t bully the hostess. That’s my job. Seriously, hostesses are trying to accomodate everyone and having to deal with the waiters bitching about the rotation.

57. As a matter of fact, don’t bully me. In my specific case, it’s not going to work. In other cases, you might just cause a breakdown. If you ask nicely, I might be able to serve you a lunch item at dinner. If you try to bully me, there’s no way in hell that you’re going to get it. And, if you’re a regular who has a reputation for being a bit of an ass, “Can’t you do it for meeeeeee” is definitely not going to work.

58. And this brings me to “don’t try to play head games with me”. It’s not going to work. You will lose. You see, there’s very little “head” left for you to play with.

59. Please don’t insult my restaurant in sly ways. Yes, I know “it’s so busy that you had to wait an hour for a table”. No, I don’t agree that “it’s stupid that I have to ask you if you want bread”. “The last waiter here wasn’t very good – I’m glad that you’re waiting on me today” is not going to get me on your side. Please don’t use the word stupid to describe anything that goes on in my restaurant. If you think that I’ve acted stupidly, feel free to tell a manager. I might actually deserve it.

60. Please don’t hand me your wine glass (unless I ask you for it) or try to move it for me while I’m pouring. Your zig could be my zag and result in a red stain on the tablecloth.

61. Please don’t assume that I’m hitting on your date just because I make eye contact with her. It’s my job to make eye contact with all of my guests.

62. If your girlfriend flirts with me, that’s your problem, not mine. What am I going to do – insult her by not reciprocating? Unless we both disappear into the cloak room, give me the benefit of the doubt that I’m not going to be exchanging phone numbers with her at the end of the meal.

63. If I end up in the cloakroom with your girlfriend, please don’t shoot me.

64. If you are an aspiring comedian, please don’t try out your routine on me.

65. Please don’t demand the check and then let someone else bully you into letting them pay. I’m not going to get into the middle of it except to say that you already asked for the check and it’s first come first served (unless you’re not the host, then I let them pay if they insist). If you give in, you’ve just screwed me royally because I went to bat for you and you backed down. Now I have an insulted guest who’s going to tip me. At least have the balls to demand that you leave the tip.

66. Please don’t make lemonade at the table in lieu of a drink. Lemons cost money you know. If we wanted to serve freshly made lemonade, we would do it and charge you $3 for the privilege. You don’t cook your own steak do you? Just know that we’re mocking you when you make trailer trash/redneck/:insert any other derisive term here: lemonade.

67. Don’t get pissed off if I have to charge you extra for extra stuff. If I don’t tell you ahead of time, it’s cool to get ticked.

68. If you order a bottle of wine without looking at the wine list, don’t complain when you find out that it costs $150. Yes, I know it costs you $40 on the liquor store shelf. But your $40 New York Strip also costs you $9 as well. Get over it.

69. If you don’t ask me what the price of the special is, don’t get mad about the price. My restaurant might not make me tell you the price and if I don’t have to, I’m probably not going to, unless I think that the price is higher than normal. If you are concerned about the price, ask me.

70. If you go to the bathroom, please don’t forget to wash your hands. Yes, I’m seriously telling you this because apparently, you need a mother.

71. When you wash your hands, don’t forget to use the wastepaper basket, not the countertop, floor or toilet.

72. Ladies, please dispose of your tampons properly.

73. If you’re going to throw up, don’t throw up beside the toilet. Or in the sink.

74. Please don’t tell me it’s your birthday just do get free dessert. If I don’t like you, I might actually ask you for ID.

75. Parents, don’t be offended if I refuse alcohol service to your 19-year-old. I don’t care if they have a goatee and are starting their doctoral degree because they are apparently the local Doogie Howser. It’s nothing personal; I happen to like my job and I don’t like to be led out of the restaurant in handcuffs.