So You Want To Be A Waiter

The best book on waiting tables that you have never read – yet

A few reasons why Conan O’Brien shouldn’t consider becoming a waiter as his next job

Can’t spell “cocoa”.

Won’t recommend anything but boxty.

Only sticks around for 8 months before refusing to work after midnight.

Most restaurants won’t pay you to quit.

Won’t have any busboys other than a damn masturbating bear.

Even bending at the waist only gets him 4 feet above the patron’s head.

Hair gets many patrons seasick.

Inexplicably breaks into Pimpbot 5000 voice when trying to sell dessert.

Touches his nipples too often for comfort.

Has an annoying habit of sometimes bringing in William Shatner to recite the specials.

Skin sometimes blinds little children.

And speaking of little kids, making obscene balloon animals for kids’ birthday parties turns some parents off.

Does a freakish dance when it seems like his specials recitation isn’t working.

No Conan, you can’t bring Max Weinberg with you.

We luvs ya Conan. All the best, freakishly pale white brother.

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