So You Want To Be A Waiter

The best book on waiting tables that you have never read – yet

Tag Archives: humor

Top ten menu trends from the National Restaurant Association

According to the National Restaurant Association, here are the top ten menu trends for 2011:

  1. locally sourced meats and seafood
  2. locally grown produce
  3. sustainability as a culinary theme
  4. nutritious kids’ dishes
  5. hyper-local items
  6. children’s nutrition
  7. sustainable seafood
  8. gluten-free/food allergy-conscious items
  9. back-to-basics cuisine
  10. farm-branded ingredients.

Here are my top ten restaurant trends for 2011:

  1. menus in five languages
  2. tableside butchering of salmon loin
  3. free blenders with purchase of frozen drinks
  4. steak meal in a bowl – filet covered with bernaise, fried onions, creamed spinach and mashed potatoes all layered in a bowl  
  5. non-sustainable animal products (an endangered species specials list) 
  6. ultra-hyper local produce (you must bring your own windowsill-grown herbs)
  7. popcorn odor-producing scent systems
  8. pop-up DVD players at every table
  9. deep fried Caesar salad
  10. open display restrooms

“I’m sorry sir, shall I wait until the end of the movie to take your order”?

“Ass, Cash or Grass” – I used to be a Swinger

Love, absolutely LOVE this story:

This is my favorite part:

We ordered our grub and then I launched into my odd, back-storied request; “My daughter wants to be a Swinger’s waitress for Halloween…”

“Wow, cool!” she marvelled.

“Thing is, we need a skirt.”

“Oh…people always want those. But they’re only for staff.”

“Yeah, but see, I used to be a Swinger’s waitress myself.”

And that’s when it happened: this girl ogled me in total disbelief. As if to say is it possible this crone, with her teenagers, her sensible cardigan, her freckled hands and crepey cleavage, could have once been hip and young enough to hustle hash? And then I watched as her mind cartwheeled over to the next logical and more terrifying thought: could this be me one day?

The waitress gaped at me like I was living history — Miss Jane Pittman come to put her withered lips to the “Young Only” fountain straw of ageism. “No way,” she gasped, as though the Crypt Keeper herself had just texted her this news from beyond the grave. I peered at her over the tops of my progressives and said, “Way.”

Image from

Spelling fail

What do you mean that he wants his steak recooked?

Next time you complain that your well-done steak is “overcooked”, just remember – this is what we waiters have to face.

Thanks to the website “Picture is Unrelated – WTF pictures and videos”.

Find more like this at

Great new restaurant concept

I’ve created a new restaurant concept that I think will sweep the nation. It’s called The Olde Fogey.

It targets a growing demographic, one that will only explode as we baby boomers age.

My only problem? Getting waiters to work there. I’m thinking of paying them $20 an hour.

Anyway, here’s the initial menu that I’ve worked up. Sadly, letters that descend below the baseline like p aren’t reproduced properly in this template, but I think you’ll get the idea.

I wish I could say that I must have too much time on my hands, but that’s not true. This was preferable to cleaning my house though.

A few reasons why Conan O’Brien shouldn’t consider becoming a waiter as his next job

Can’t spell “cocoa”.

Won’t recommend anything but boxty.

Only sticks around for 8 months before refusing to work after midnight.

Most restaurants won’t pay you to quit.

Won’t have any busboys other than a damn masturbating bear.

Even bending at the waist only gets him 4 feet above the patron’s head.

Hair gets many patrons seasick.

Inexplicably breaks into Pimpbot 5000 voice when trying to sell dessert.

Touches his nipples too often for comfort.

Has an annoying habit of sometimes bringing in William Shatner to recite the specials.

Skin sometimes blinds little children.

And speaking of little kids, making obscene balloon animals for kids’ birthday parties turns some parents off.

Does a freakish dance when it seems like his specials recitation isn’t working.

No Conan, you can’t bring Max Weinberg with you.

We luvs ya Conan. All the best, freakishly pale white brother.

A sometimes hilarious guide to being a “Fun Waiter”

Fun-Filled Career Guide to Restaurant Waitering!

Icarus Landing loves dining out in fine restaurants. Most of the time, the experience is good, although the quality of waitering is a little unpredictable – sometimes too rushed, sometimes too slow, sometimes too attentive, sometimes too inattentive – you probably know what we’re talking about. So, we’ve developed this Fun-Filled Career Guide to Restaurant Waitering! Don’t be one of those boring, stuffy waiters any longer – be a Fun Waiter! Join the revolution now! This is an Icarus Landing exclusive!

1. Don’t be one of those unoriginal waiters who greets everyone with a dull, simple “Good evening” or “Good afternoon.” [Hint: Boring!] Be original and creative! Invent a phrase of macaronic words [mixing foreign languages] first, before your actual greeting. For example: Guests enter the restaurant. You: “Ah, je suis dictum ben penoya pon frair and good evening!” Translation: There isn’t one. It’s utterly nonsensical. But it sounds suave, sophisticated, even sexy, and it really impresses people! After that, just watch your tips go up up up!

Read the other 26 hints here:

This is one of my favorites:

8. Waiters are often told to never touch a customer [Hint: Boring!]. When you talk to your guests, put your hand gently on their shoulders and rub a little. It’s warm and friendly. If they look a little stressed, put your receipt book down and get in there and rub their neck and shoulders! If they look a little dusty, dust them off! If they’re a little wet, wipe them off! If they’re sweating, dab them off! This kind of extra personal attention means everything to modern restaurant goers. You’ll see. Do it! Then watch those tips go up up up!

Ten funniest things to say to a waiter

And now for some completely different s**t from The Onion News Network

Frankly, I was laughing so hard I couldn’t see straight. I’m talking tears.

I warn you though, make sure any impressionable kids are out of the room when you play this.

Gotta love ya some Onion, that’s for sure.