So You Want To Be A Waiter

The best book on waiting tables that you have never read – yet

Tag Archives: Padma Lakshmi

A couple of new milestones

First of all, I finally made it to the front page of a Google blog keyword search! I typed in waiter, and there my last post was, lurking at the bottom of the page like a lamprey stalking a shark.

Second of all, I’ve gone from a Technorati rating of ~1,200,000th most popular blog to just a tick over 520,000th. My only question is – what do those other 500,000 blogs have that I don’t have? Well, they have politics. They have technology reports. They have funny pictures of cats. They have cool cars and booze and naked women. They have hate language (I’m looking at YOU, Debbie Schlussel!).

So, with great joy, I roll out my new blog product, a red, white and blue, KKK-endorsed, Bluetooth-equipped cat casket .








I couldn’t get a Ku Klux Klanner to go on camera to endorse this fine piece of American craftsmanship, so I tapped this Italian-American spic to stand in (I would have chosen a fellow Jew, but the hateful, self-loathing Jew Debbie Schlussel was unavailable as she was busy trashing Walter Cronkite and Ted Kennedy). This casket will hold the fattest, more corpulent cat (or Debbie Schlussel if you remove her head before embalming) that you are likely to see in an internet photo. Like this one:









I apologize for the Bud Light, but at least it was still an American-owned brand at the time, and it was served at the Beer Summit.

The red, white and blue of the casket celebrates our country and its ideals, as does the theme itself – give us your tired, your poor, your beer-deprived masses, and sell it for $4 a sixpack to boot. This beer is appropriate for any White House beer summit for it is part of the largest wholly-owned American brewery in the good ole US of A. No tone-deafness here.

Now your tech-savvy cat can carry his or her technology into the grave without annoying wires.








The casket comes with its own battery-operated 100 year charger (which is why the casket has to be human-sized). The techology was stolen…I mean borrowed from Tesla:









Padma Lakshmi is rumored to be considering this car. Here she is trying to bargain down the price of the car:









And finally, I have to throw this in, because, what’s a blog these days without the obligatory lolcats shot?










This post should shoot me quickly into the low 400,000s in no time!

Oh yeah, I hit 5,000 views a month for the first time this month. I just zipped right past 4,000, as last month, I only had 3,300.

Thanks for all of the support, linkage and interest.

PS, I promise not to cheat and put naked girls in the tags, although just about everything else is going in there <g>.

Top Chef Episode 2











Well class, what have we learned?

The “hot” ice queen chef will disrobe just for you.

Crap…I mean craps, it’s what’s for dinner.

Bravo missed an opportunity by choosing a real bachelor/bachelorette party instead of doing a bachelor/bachelor or bachelorette/bachelorette celebration, although it did give the chance to pummel the viewer with the outrage that gays feel in being excluded from the sanctity of marriage (an outrage that I share, BTW).

Both gays and straights had philosophical problems for different reasons with the elimination challenge. Not surprisingly, it was on the female side. Dudes just don’t care, even the gay ones.

What is it with scallops this season? Isn’t this the most accomplished group of food savants this side of Paris? First of all, scallops is what I would consider a “safe” dish, perhaps too safe to make a real impression on the judges, although I’ll have to say that judges always seem to go ga ga when a scallop is “perfectly cooked”. Damn, how hard is it to pan sear a scallop? Unless you’re distracted by shiny objects, it’s a breeze. Maybe all of the stainless steel is distracting our cheftestants.

The gay guy gets care of the orchids. He admits that gays grow better flowers than straights, but half-heartedly grumbles that he’s getting the fuzzy end of the stereotype lollipop. I’m straight and I’ve grown orchids pretty well in the past, so there! Besides – phalaenopsis – Easiest. Orchid. Ever. 

Brother on brother action. But not the type that you’d expect from Bravo.

Shame that nobody threw snake eyes. It would have been fun to see how someone would have dealt with that. Me? I’d probably do some sort of scallop dish. One pan-seared scallop as a base. Then I’d attempt to cut a scallop into a julienne and deep fry it until crunchy and brown. If it didn’t work from a flavor and texture standpoint, I’d discard, but if it did work, I’d nest a little bit of it on top of the scallop. Then I’d poach another scallop in fish sauce and water and slice it on the plate, drizzle with a little olive oil and a little sea salt and cracked pepper. I’d either prop up the slices against the seared scallop tee-pee style or lay them flat like playing cards fanned out next to the scallop. It would either fail miserably in terms of flavor but I’d get kudos for the effort or it would have worked perfectly.

Hmmmm, watermelon carpaccio.  It would have been more interesting if she had chosen watermelon seed carpaccio. Imagine shaving a few of those little buggers.

May I introduce to you Tom Collichio, Mafia hit man.

Gail Simmons is wearing my shower curtain for some reason.

Andy Cohen must have some salacious photos of Todd English to pry him away from QVC once a season.

When you marinate raw meat of any kind with any kind of acid, you’re actually chemically cooking it. As Tom points out, fresh tuna shouldn’t be marinated for more than about an hour. If you are marinating a big slab of beef, you’re free to marinate overnight, but not fresh fish that’s intended to be served rare. That’s why you can get away with it with ceviche because the seafood in ceviche is supposed to be “cooked”. Oh, by the way Jennifer, if you don’t stop pronouncing it “ceveech”, I think I’m going to throw a squid at the TV.

Leave the lettuce cups for P. F. Chang’s please.

A chips and guacamole “macaroon”? Inspired. HOWEVER – I’m surprised that Tom didn’t pull the same sort of linguistic “quibble” that he pulled on Casey a couple of seasons back when he blasted her for calling her dish coq au vin. That was no “macaroon”. While a macaroon certainly starts with something similar to a meringue (beaten egg whites), it adds coconut and/or almond paste to make a dense, chewy cookie, which is the exact opposite of his cookie. What it really was was a meringue cookie, which is exactly what he produced – something that was crisp on the outside with a melt-in-your-mouth middle.

If you aren’t an accomplished “pastry or dessert chef”, do dessert only as a last resort. Please. At least don’t admit to it at judge’s table. Your judgment will be questioned.

Eve and her knives are gone. See ya,