So You Want To Be A Waiter

The best book on waiting tables that you have never read – yet

Tag Archives: restaurant humor

“Ass, Cash or Grass” – I used to be a Swinger

Love, absolutely LOVE this story:

This is my favorite part:

We ordered our grub and then I launched into my odd, back-storied request; “My daughter wants to be a Swinger’s waitress for Halloween…”

“Wow, cool!” she marvelled.

“Thing is, we need a skirt.”

“Oh…people always want those. But they’re only for staff.”

“Yeah, but see, I used to be a Swinger’s waitress myself.”

And that’s when it happened: this girl ogled me in total disbelief. As if to say is it possible this crone, with her teenagers, her sensible cardigan, her freckled hands and crepey cleavage, could have once been hip and young enough to hustle hash? And then I watched as her mind cartwheeled over to the next logical and more terrifying thought: could this be me one day?

The waitress gaped at me like I was living history — Miss Jane Pittman come to put her withered lips to the “Young Only” fountain straw of ageism. “No way,” she gasped, as though the Crypt Keeper herself had just texted her this news from beyond the grave. I peered at her over the tops of my progressives and said, “Way.”

Image from

What do you mean that he wants his steak recooked?

Next time you complain that your well-done steak is “overcooked”, just remember – this is what we waiters have to face.

Thanks to the website “Picture is Unrelated – WTF pictures and videos”.

Find more like this at

Great new restaurant concept

I’ve created a new restaurant concept that I think will sweep the nation. It’s called The Olde Fogey.

It targets a growing demographic, one that will only explode as we baby boomers age.

My only problem? Getting waiters to work there. I’m thinking of paying them $20 an hour.

Anyway, here’s the initial menu that I’ve worked up. Sadly, letters that descend below the baseline like p aren’t reproduced properly in this template, but I think you’ll get the idea.

I wish I could say that I must have too much time on my hands, but that’s not true. This was preferable to cleaning my house though.

The Wicked Wok Chinese Restaurant has NOT seen your cat

But how about my dog?

(the fact that the sign isn’t real doesn’t make it any less funny)