So You Want To Be A Waiter

The best book on waiting tables that you have never read – yet

Tag Archives: satire

A sometimes hilarious guide to being a “Fun Waiter”

Fun-Filled Career Guide to Restaurant Waitering!

Icarus Landing loves dining out in fine restaurants. Most of the time, the experience is good, although the quality of waitering is a little unpredictable – sometimes too rushed, sometimes too slow, sometimes too attentive, sometimes too inattentive – you probably know what we’re talking about. So, we’ve developed this Fun-Filled Career Guide to Restaurant Waitering! Don’t be one of those boring, stuffy waiters any longer – be a Fun Waiter! Join the revolution now! This is an Icarus Landing exclusive!

1. Don’t be one of those unoriginal waiters who greets everyone with a dull, simple “Good evening” or “Good afternoon.” [Hint: Boring!] Be original and creative! Invent a phrase of macaronic words [mixing foreign languages] first, before your actual greeting. For example: Guests enter the restaurant. You: “Ah, je suis dictum ben penoya pon frair and good evening!” Translation: There isn’t one. It’s utterly nonsensical. But it sounds suave, sophisticated, even sexy, and it really impresses people! After that, just watch your tips go up up up!

Read the other 26 hints here:

This is one of my favorites:

8. Waiters are often told to never touch a customer [Hint: Boring!]. When you talk to your guests, put your hand gently on their shoulders and rub a little. It’s warm and friendly. If they look a little stressed, put your receipt book down and get in there and rub their neck and shoulders! If they look a little dusty, dust them off! If they’re a little wet, wipe them off! If they’re sweating, dab them off! This kind of extra personal attention means everything to modern restaurant goers. You’ll see. Do it! Then watch those tips go up up up!

More ways to keep a flagging restaurant profitable (from The Onion)


Yesterday, I posted about P.F. Chang’s ability to adjust to rough economic times.

A year ago, The Onion (now apparently 100% owned by a 75% real Chinese company itself) uncovered some strategies that other companies have started employing, and I thought that I’d share them here in hopes that other restaurants will be as creative:

Restaurants Struggle To Keep Customers

The recent bankruptcy of the Bennigan’s and Steak & Ale chains is one symptom of the struggle that casual dining establishments are facing during the economic downturn.

What are these restaurants doing to keep their customer base?

T.G.I. Friday’s: If you like something on the walls, go on and take it

Outback Steakhouse: No longer charging customers to see the menu

Chili’s: Unlimited napkins before 4:30 p.m.

Cheesecake Factory: Health insurance coverage extended to customers dining there three or more times a week

Olive Garden: Has stopped forcing diners to constantly smile, laugh, and eat endless pasta

Applebee’s: To warm the hearts of its patrons, every night at each franchise a troupe of young actors sits at an extra-long table and plays a defeated, but still proud, local high school sports team


Abuelo’s Mexican Food Embassy: Finally accepting the many asylum requests from desperate Chi-Chi’s refugees

Cracker Barrel: Now serves homosexuals

As an aside, I’ve also heard that Ruby Tuesday’s is now serving silver dollar sized burger shooters for a buck, Krystal’s is not only supplying free wi-fi but providing smartphones for the homeless as they drink their coffee while seated in the restaurant and Morton’s is selling prime steak by the gram (28 grams minimum purchase).

As for my restaurant, we are issuing cards that we punch with each entree. After 10 punches, our GM goes to their house and details their car.

PS, I’m sorry that I couldn’t show a graphic of the new Chinese-owned first edition of The Onion, but my lawyer (whose firm is also owned by the Chinese) recommended that the Chinese government would pound me for copyright infringement if I should choose to do so.