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Tag Archives: The Onion

More ways to keep a flagging restaurant profitable (from The Onion)


Yesterday, I posted about P.F. Chang’s ability to adjust to rough economic times.

A year ago, The Onion (now apparently 100% owned by a 75% real Chinese company itself) uncovered some strategies that other companies have started employing, and I thought that I’d share them here in hopes that other restaurants will be as creative:

Restaurants Struggle To Keep Customers

The recent bankruptcy of the Bennigan’s and Steak & Ale chains is one symptom of the struggle that casual dining establishments are facing during the economic downturn.

What are these restaurants doing to keep their customer base?

T.G.I. Friday’s: If you like something on the walls, go on and take it

Outback Steakhouse: No longer charging customers to see the menu

Chili’s: Unlimited napkins before 4:30 p.m.

Cheesecake Factory: Health insurance coverage extended to customers dining there three or more times a week

Olive Garden: Has stopped forcing diners to constantly smile, laugh, and eat endless pasta

Applebee’s: To warm the hearts of its patrons, every night at each franchise a troupe of young actors sits at an extra-long table and plays a defeated, but still proud, local high school sports team


Abuelo’s Mexican Food Embassy: Finally accepting the many asylum requests from desperate Chi-Chi’s refugees

Cracker Barrel: Now serves homosexuals

As an aside, I’ve also heard that Ruby Tuesday’s is now serving silver dollar sized burger shooters for a buck, Krystal’s is not only supplying free wi-fi but providing smartphones for the homeless as they drink their coffee while seated in the restaurant and Morton’s is selling prime steak by the gram (28 grams minimum purchase).

As for my restaurant, we are issuing cards that we punch with each entree. After 10 punches, our GM goes to their house and details their car.

PS, I’m sorry that I couldn’t show a graphic of the new Chinese-owned first edition of The Onion, but my lawyer (whose firm is also owned by the Chinese) recommended that the Chinese government would pound me for copyright infringement if I should choose to do so.

And now for some completely different s**t from The Onion News Network

Frankly, I was laughing so hard I couldn’t see straight. I’m talking tears.

I warn you though, make sure any impressionable kids are out of the room when you play this.

Gotta love ya some Onion, that’s for sure.