So You Want To Be A Waiter

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Tag Archives: waiter humor

“Ass, Cash or Grass” – I used to be a Swinger

Love, absolutely LOVE this story:

This is my favorite part:

We ordered our grub and then I launched into my odd, back-storied request; “My daughter wants to be a Swinger’s waitress for Halloween…”

“Wow, cool!” she marvelled.

“Thing is, we need a skirt.”

“Oh…people always want those. But they’re only for staff.”

“Yeah, but see, I used to be a Swinger’s waitress myself.”

And that’s when it happened: this girl ogled me in total disbelief. As if to say is it possible this crone, with her teenagers, her sensible cardigan, her freckled hands and crepey cleavage, could have once been hip and young enough to hustle hash? And then I watched as her mind cartwheeled over to the next logical and more terrifying thought: could this be me one day?

The waitress gaped at me like I was living history — Miss Jane Pittman come to put her withered lips to the “Young Only” fountain straw of ageism. “No way,” she gasped, as though the Crypt Keeper herself had just texted her this news from beyond the grave. I peered at her over the tops of my progressives and said, “Way.”

Image from

Top Ten Things a Manager Doesn’t Want To Hear From a Waiter

10. Am I cut yet?

9. Why are you cutting me?

The previous two are often related to the waiter’s finances…

8. My battery’s dead (I’ve got a flat tire, there’s a wreck on the freeway and I’m stuck, I can’t find my car keys, ad nauseum).

7. I forgot to ring in 23’s entrees. Can you go talk to them please?

6. Sorry, I misread the schedule. I’ll be there as soon as I can.

5. I need to talk with you privately after the shift.

4. I was sure she said medium well, not medium rare.

3. Here’s the tip of Kelly’s finger. You might want to look in on her in the kitchen. She’s bleeding like a stuck pig.

2. Don’t you worry – corporate will be hearing about this.

And the number one thing a manager doesn’t want to hear from a waiter:

1. No, I can’t work Sunday brunch.

Top Ten Things a Waiter Doesn’t Want to Hear From a Manager

10.  I need to talk to you at the end of the shift.

9. Don’t worry – I’ll make up your covers around 8:00.

8. You’ve got a deuce on 24 (this is just moments after you’ve picked up the check for your last table at 9:30).

7.  The clock-in window ended 2 minutes ago. You’re late.

6. Smoking weed again, I see.

5.  I saw an interesting blog about waiting tables last night – I think we need to talk.

4. What are you bitching about – I only gave you two on-call shifts this week.

3. Yes, we need you to come in tonight (calling at 3pm for on-call).

2, No, we don’t need you to come in tonight (calling at 3pm for on-call).

The previous two things are income-dependent.

And the number one thing that you don’t want to hear from a manager:

1. Ummmm, where are you? (always heard through sleep-infested ears on a cell phone).

Top Ten Things a Waiter Doesn’t Want To Hear the Customer Say

10. Didn’t I sleep with you in 2006?

9. I’ve got these rolls of pennies…

8. Je suis désolé, je ne parle pas d’anglais.

7. You’re under arrest for serving a 19 year old. Could you please place your hands behind your back?

6. Your service was incredible.

5. Let’s see, all you have to do is move the decimal place over two places…”

4. I don’t care if it’s not on the menu – you don’t want to have this fight with me. You know I’m just going to go to the manager and he’ll let me do it. (I actually heard a variation of this fairly recently).

3. You’re a cute little thing, aren’t you? If I told you you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?

2. Wish I could rid of this damn head lice.

and the number one thing that a waiter doesn’t want to hear the customer say

1. Why yes, I am Tiger Woods.

Top Ten Things You Don’t Want Your Waiter To Say When Dining Out

10. Oh, you look just like my parole officer.

9. Want to see a magic trick? Here, hand me your wallet.

8. You’d like Coke? How many grams do you want?

7. Why no, that’s not my fingerprint in your Créme Brulee.

6. Can I tell you about my personal Savior, Adolph Hitler?

5. Do you and your wife swing?

4. …and we have two types of shrimp tonight. One is…sorry, just a minute…I’ve got to get this phone call. I’ll be back in a couple of minutes.

3. Yeah, sure. Sure it’s decaf. Are you calling me a LIAR? Well, ARE YOU?

2. Thank you for the 5% tip, pal. You do have a spare tire, don’t you?

…and number one is…

1. No! I don’t feel like telling you the specials! You’ll eat what I say you’ll eat!

A classic waiter scene from Sesame Street featuring Grover the Waiter

“I get that dingaling everytime I come in here…”

I know the feeling, brother…

What do you mean that he wants his steak recooked?

Next time you complain that your well-done steak is “overcooked”, just remember – this is what we waiters have to face.

Thanks to the website “Picture is Unrelated – WTF pictures and videos”.

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Great new restaurant concept

I’ve created a new restaurant concept that I think will sweep the nation. It’s called The Olde Fogey.

It targets a growing demographic, one that will only explode as we baby boomers age.

My only problem? Getting waiters to work there. I’m thinking of paying them $20 an hour.

Anyway, here’s the initial menu that I’ve worked up. Sadly, letters that descend below the baseline like p aren’t reproduced properly in this template, but I think you’ll get the idea.

I wish I could say that I must have too much time on my hands, but that’s not true. This was preferable to cleaning my house though.

A sometimes hilarious guide to being a “Fun Waiter”

Fun-Filled Career Guide to Restaurant Waitering!

Icarus Landing loves dining out in fine restaurants. Most of the time, the experience is good, although the quality of waitering is a little unpredictable – sometimes too rushed, sometimes too slow, sometimes too attentive, sometimes too inattentive – you probably know what we’re talking about. So, we’ve developed this Fun-Filled Career Guide to Restaurant Waitering! Don’t be one of those boring, stuffy waiters any longer – be a Fun Waiter! Join the revolution now! This is an Icarus Landing exclusive!

1. Don’t be one of those unoriginal waiters who greets everyone with a dull, simple “Good evening” or “Good afternoon.” [Hint: Boring!] Be original and creative! Invent a phrase of macaronic words [mixing foreign languages] first, before your actual greeting. For example: Guests enter the restaurant. You: “Ah, je suis dictum ben penoya pon frair and good evening!” Translation: There isn’t one. It’s utterly nonsensical. But it sounds suave, sophisticated, even sexy, and it really impresses people! After that, just watch your tips go up up up!

Read the other 26 hints here:

This is one of my favorites:

8. Waiters are often told to never touch a customer [Hint: Boring!]. When you talk to your guests, put your hand gently on their shoulders and rub a little. It’s warm and friendly. If they look a little stressed, put your receipt book down and get in there and rub their neck and shoulders! If they look a little dusty, dust them off! If they’re a little wet, wipe them off! If they’re sweating, dab them off! This kind of extra personal attention means everything to modern restaurant goers. You’ll see. Do it! Then watch those tips go up up up!